My journey to Atheism was long, and full of second guessing myself on both religious and irreligious ends. I went from being a devoted Christian my entire childhood, to becoming an Agnostic in my teens, and just recently, proclaiming myself an Atheist. Although I do not acknowledge the existence of there being a supernatural power of any kind, by any means do I poke fun, or ridicule someone for believing in the existence of a higher power, unless provoked or if I find it necessary to do so. Not under any circumstances do I claim myself to be an aggressive Atheist, and do not aim to point out others’ ignorance, unless I find it completely necessary. I like to be a good ambassador for my fellow friends in the Atheist community, as there are a lot of people within the Religious community who are not good ambassadors of their faith.
I have just recently begun to speaking out about my new outlook on life, becoming an Atheist just last December (2008), or somewhere around that time period, I have felt as if I am a completely new person. Free of the things that once held me back from living the life I wanted to. I find myself to be a happier, and more intellectual person after I have experienced this journey.
My Childhood, The Christian.
I was raised to ‘keep Jesus in my heart’ as my mother always said. Even until her death she had told me almost everyday to do exactly that. Although we were not avid church-goer’s and we did not always abide by the Rules of our ‘just and loving god’ - my family was and still is, very religious. The other half of my family, do claim themselves to be Christians, but they seem to only be Christians when they see ‘ God’ as their personal Genie. I like to call them: Part-timers. They only speak of their God when they feel that he/she has been disrespected, or if they are in need of something or personal pleasure or gain. You know, like a gamble on College Football game, or maybe an extra 5 bucks on their paychecks. They never attend church, but hate the fact I’m an Atheist. Go figure.
I, had always believed in God because I had been taught to do so. My mother grew up in a primarily Catholic home, however considered herself to be Christian. My father, a Christian as well. So guess what I was? And, although I was never pushed to pray 3 times a day, I did. Although I was never pushed to read the Bible, I did. Because I was well aware of what my family believed, and I was born to believe that too. Or so I had thought. Even though, I had grown up asking a ton of questions about our faith, I was never given proper answers. I was always told that God is God. The Alpha and the Omega. You cannot question something that just is. He works in mysterious ways, blah blah blah. So, I did as I was told, and then some. I found a close, intimate relationship with God. As years went on, I learned that I was only talking to air. So you could say I had an imaginary friend until I was 17 years old.
My Teenage Years, The Agnostic.
My mother had become terminally ill in 2003, which led me to questioning my faith. Although, I did not do this in front of my mother, or made her aware of my doubt, I think she had an idea before her passing. And I regret if she did, because that would be a horrible thing to bear before death if you did believe in an afterlife. That your daughter did not, & that you would not live long enough to persuade her to believe in God. My mother knew I had a hint of despise for our “Lord” for making my mother sick. But, she was uncomfortable talking about our religious views, being in the situation she was in. Neither one of us brought it up in her last days. And now that she’s passed, I will never get that opportunity.
My mother, although she was not a bad person, had posessed a lot of negative qualities and had did a lot of wrongful things. Wrongful things I believed that God could and would not simply forgive someone for. And I truthfully, don’t think my mother had asked for forgiveness. Recollecting that she was much out of it her last couple years, and may possibly have not been aware of her surroundings, and daily struggles. I had asked my mother, one day over a phone call (as she was in Florida, and I, living in Ohio) if she could promise me something. That after she died, she would flick a light on or off while I’m in sadness or in doubt, to prove to me there is an afterlife. To prove to me, that she was living on, with God. She had promised me. And a month later, my mother died.
I have yet to have a light flicker, or shut off in my presence, while in thought of her.
After her passing, I didn’t want to believe my mother had went to hell. And I could not seem to wrap my head around her being allowed the opportunity to go to heaven. So I turned to the Bible for closure. Hoping, if I had read it thoroughly, it may contain some information once overlooked or misperceived and I may be able to rest better, knowing my mother is alright.
Since that day, after having read one of my favorite pieces of literature (because that’s all I see it as now.. a story) – I have never believed solely in God. This marks the start of my doubt. And my becoming Agnostic. As I was too afraid still to totally disbelieve in God. I would tell myself something along the lines of: “If he exists, he can’t be mad. I didn’t know any better. In this day and age, everyone questions it once in their life. He can’t blame me for saying I don’t know. And if he doesn’t exist, well, He doesn’t exist.”
My Adulthood, The Atheist.
Since being an Agnostic, I have grown to show adornment to knowledge and the pursuit of being educated. While in High School, I showed a deep admiration and interest for Biology and Science. I had dropped out of High School in 2006, and gave birth to my son on late Feb 2007. Where in the next year, I lived in various different places, many with Libraries located near. I begun reading. Reading about things that intrigued me. Debating with people from all walks of life. Where I had found a passion for researching religion, and Atheism. In 2008, I stopped believing in God all together. After having compared the last 4 years of research I had did, to my faith and it’s belief, I no longer accept that the existence of God is possible nor was it a rational belief. I, humbly state, that I still do not know everything about every religion. I do not pretend that I do. But I am knowledgeable in a lot of fields pertaining to religion and that are religious. I do enjoy reading other scripture, and learning about different forms of worship, but I hold higher interest in things like Evolution, Gay Rights, Abortion, etc. Things that tie into religion and the harm religion can cause and how utterly disgusting it can be.
